This little boy hid in his parent's bedroom closet, as he wanted to see what took place in their room when the doors were locked.
As he peeked thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boy's father comes home. The wife wisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in.
After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here." Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement.
After a few more minutes the boy says, "Wanna buy my baseball glove?"
The man asks "How much?" In reply the boy says $50.
The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well.
The man reluctantly agrees.
After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet, and too upset to continue she sends him on his way.
The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come from?, to which her son replied "Can't say."
The mother asks again and upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to get in the car.
The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the door over the boy said, "Boy it's dark in here", to which the priest replied, "Don't start that shit again!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Kids Say The Dandest Things
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"(and it would be in pounds of course)
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"(and it would be in pounds of course)
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
No curvy mannequins in shop windows
TEHRAN, TUESDAY
Iranian police warned shopkeepers not to use mannequins without headscarves or which exposed body curves, official news agency IRNA reported.
"Using unusual mannequins exposing the body curves and with the heads without Hijabs (Muslim veil) are prohibited to be used in the shops," Iran’s moral security police in charge of Islamic dress codes said in a statement carried by IRNA.
Iranian police have stepped up a crackdown on women and men, boutiques and small companies which fail to enforce strict religious dress codes since 2005.
The measures are the latest in a countrywide campaign against Western cultural influences in the Islamic Republic.
"Both showing necktie and bow tie behind the windows ... and (the) selling (of) women’s underwear by men are prohibited," said the police statement.
In the past, crackdowns tended to be launched at the start of Iran’s hot summers and petered out soon after. But last year they extended into winter and included a drive against tight women’s trousers and even men with spiky "Western" hairstyles.
Iranian police warned shopkeepers not to use mannequins without headscarves or which exposed body curves, official news agency IRNA reported.
"Using unusual mannequins exposing the body curves and with the heads without Hijabs (Muslim veil) are prohibited to be used in the shops," Iran’s moral security police in charge of Islamic dress codes said in a statement carried by IRNA.
Iranian police have stepped up a crackdown on women and men, boutiques and small companies which fail to enforce strict religious dress codes since 2005.
The measures are the latest in a countrywide campaign against Western cultural influences in the Islamic Republic.
"Both showing necktie and bow tie behind the windows ... and (the) selling (of) women’s underwear by men are prohibited," said the police statement.
In the past, crackdowns tended to be launched at the start of Iran’s hot summers and petered out soon after. But last year they extended into winter and included a drive against tight women’s trousers and even men with spiky "Western" hairstyles.
Five things a player will never say
A successful pickup artist is typically endowed with the gift of gab, but thanks to time and experience, he carefully selects what chitchat he makes. To the receptive girl, it always sounds smooth and casual — never forced and never strained, and it will lead almost any woman to relax in mere minutes.
Always remember: Players would never say anything to compromise those aforementioned ideals.
Here are some things a player will never say, much less mean:
• "I love you"
A Don Juan arrives with a bang and sneaks out as quietly as possible
It’s a predictable No. 1, but all the critical women out there should realise that avoiding this heartfelt statement saves you a great deal of stress and pain.
As the player has no enemies — male or female — and he frowns on manipulation and deception, he isn’t about to toy with a woman’s heart just to satisfy his base desires.
• "I don’t care — whatever you want to do"
At no point is a player disinterested in his partner’s hobbies and activities, and at no point does he relinquish all control of the situation. There’s a reason why you typically only hear this statement from married or committed men; men who have already accepted their fate and have lost all interest in the proceedings.
The ladies’ man is always interested in hearing a woman’s suggestions for plans and he’s never a doormat, as he understands the ceaseless female desire for avid communication.
• "This is way too expensive"
He may think it, but he’d never say it. Having money certainly isn’t a prerequisite for all aspiring players (although it helps), but one should never flaunt his lack of funds as it includes far too many negative implications.
Even if she’s aware the man has money, she’ll assume he’s cheap, or if she’s the high-maintenance type, she’ll probably disappear before he can turn around twice.
• "Wanna have sex?"
Despite popular opinion among feminists, the player exhibits a certain amount of class and sophistication at all times. Not only is this ridiculous question crass and adolescent in nature, it also shows nothing in the way of tact and good breeding — both of which are required traits for any legitimate ladies’ man. On top of which, the observational and social talent of the player allows him to accurately assess the situation; if she’s ready to go, he knows it. The transition from discussion to sex should be seamless and even wordless.
• "Sorry, I don’t have a condom"
Yeah, right. The player who hits the night scene without a condom isn’t a player at all. A ladies’ man can snag a woman at any given time. It doesn’t always happen in the standard, traditional locations; it could happen in an elevator, a parked car or a restaurant bathroom. Who knows? The point is, a player is always prepared, and furthermore, he’s always safe. The lifestyle is appealing and exciting , but it can also be dangerous.
Always remember: Players would never say anything to compromise those aforementioned ideals.
Here are some things a player will never say, much less mean:
• "I love you"
A Don Juan arrives with a bang and sneaks out as quietly as possible
It’s a predictable No. 1, but all the critical women out there should realise that avoiding this heartfelt statement saves you a great deal of stress and pain.
As the player has no enemies — male or female — and he frowns on manipulation and deception, he isn’t about to toy with a woman’s heart just to satisfy his base desires.
• "I don’t care — whatever you want to do"
At no point is a player disinterested in his partner’s hobbies and activities, and at no point does he relinquish all control of the situation. There’s a reason why you typically only hear this statement from married or committed men; men who have already accepted their fate and have lost all interest in the proceedings.
The ladies’ man is always interested in hearing a woman’s suggestions for plans and he’s never a doormat, as he understands the ceaseless female desire for avid communication.
• "This is way too expensive"
He may think it, but he’d never say it. Having money certainly isn’t a prerequisite for all aspiring players (although it helps), but one should never flaunt his lack of funds as it includes far too many negative implications.
Even if she’s aware the man has money, she’ll assume he’s cheap, or if she’s the high-maintenance type, she’ll probably disappear before he can turn around twice.
• "Wanna have sex?"
Despite popular opinion among feminists, the player exhibits a certain amount of class and sophistication at all times. Not only is this ridiculous question crass and adolescent in nature, it also shows nothing in the way of tact and good breeding — both of which are required traits for any legitimate ladies’ man. On top of which, the observational and social talent of the player allows him to accurately assess the situation; if she’s ready to go, he knows it. The transition from discussion to sex should be seamless and even wordless.
• "Sorry, I don’t have a condom"
Yeah, right. The player who hits the night scene without a condom isn’t a player at all. A ladies’ man can snag a woman at any given time. It doesn’t always happen in the standard, traditional locations; it could happen in an elevator, a parked car or a restaurant bathroom. Who knows? The point is, a player is always prepared, and furthermore, he’s always safe. The lifestyle is appealing and exciting , but it can also be dangerous.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Think you are clever?
Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You can't take your time. Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?
Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are.
Ready? ...
GO!!!
FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
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ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NO NO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary.
Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are.
Ready? ...
GO!!!
FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
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ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NO NO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary.
Infidelity, the order of the day!??????????????
Growing up,you get the idea that love is this wonderful thing that happens to you. Remember the fairy tales we used to read about the beautiful princess and the handsome prince? Those are books that I have come to absolutely loathe due to the mere fact that they are all lies!
Out here in the real world, people are just dealing with pain, heartache, disappointments, regret, hate, jelousy...this list can go on till tomorrow coz so many emotions come out especially when someone has been betrayed... which happens more times than we would like.
Men today are likened to dogs while their female counterparts...bitches. and all in the name of what?They just can't be satisfied with having one partner. In this day and age infidelity is the order of the day.Men cheating on their wives with that cute secretary from the office, women cheating on their husbands with the houseboy or the milkman...it can be anyone!!
The amazing part is that nobody cares.Whether they get caught or not it doesnt really matter coz at the end of the day they have already had their fun. Which then causes me to ask this question - which by the way I think cannot possibly have a positive answer- Does love really exist?? I mean you see couples get married and think they will live happily ever after only to hear 3years down the line that they are seperated or divorced or one killed the other in the dead of night...and all you can ask yourself is what happened?they seemed so much in love!
Wouldnt it be nice if marriages these days lasted as long as those of our forefathers....but then again isnt that kind of boring? Now try to understand where am coming from...today people have to constantly feel they are being entertained otherwise they get bored and thats one of the reasons why infidelity seems like the next best thing if you are bored in a relationship, once you start, there's no turning back.
I know am diverting abit from what I had set out to discuss but bare with me because you know what, I think love is simply overated. But one thing I wonder is this why is it that we get hurt more than enough times but we still continue to believe that maybe just maybe we will find love with the next guy that takes a second glance at us.
So before you get yourself into another meaningless relationship ask yourself whether the hurt is really worth the effort...coz at the end of the day, chances are that you will be drowning your sorrows alone once you have found out that you were the other woman or man!But remember, at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants!!
Out here in the real world, people are just dealing with pain, heartache, disappointments, regret, hate, jelousy...this list can go on till tomorrow coz so many emotions come out especially when someone has been betrayed... which happens more times than we would like.
Men today are likened to dogs while their female counterparts...bitches. and all in the name of what?They just can't be satisfied with having one partner. In this day and age infidelity is the order of the day.Men cheating on their wives with that cute secretary from the office, women cheating on their husbands with the houseboy or the milkman...it can be anyone!!
The amazing part is that nobody cares.Whether they get caught or not it doesnt really matter coz at the end of the day they have already had their fun. Which then causes me to ask this question - which by the way I think cannot possibly have a positive answer- Does love really exist?? I mean you see couples get married and think they will live happily ever after only to hear 3years down the line that they are seperated or divorced or one killed the other in the dead of night...and all you can ask yourself is what happened?they seemed so much in love!
Wouldnt it be nice if marriages these days lasted as long as those of our forefathers....but then again isnt that kind of boring? Now try to understand where am coming from...today people have to constantly feel they are being entertained otherwise they get bored and thats one of the reasons why infidelity seems like the next best thing if you are bored in a relationship, once you start, there's no turning back.
I know am diverting abit from what I had set out to discuss but bare with me because you know what, I think love is simply overated. But one thing I wonder is this why is it that we get hurt more than enough times but we still continue to believe that maybe just maybe we will find love with the next guy that takes a second glance at us.
So before you get yourself into another meaningless relationship ask yourself whether the hurt is really worth the effort...coz at the end of the day, chances are that you will be drowning your sorrows alone once you have found out that you were the other woman or man!But remember, at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants!!
And the humorous guy award goes to...
I dont know about you but as far as I am concerned, the humorous guy award for the year 2008 should go to one guy called Robert Mugabe. This guy is funnier than anyone I have ever seen or heard. And the reasons are many and diverse.
The one that takes the biscuit is the fact that he gave Morgan Tsvangirai the fisheroes ministry as his cabinet docket. It doesnt sound funny until you look at Zimbabwe and realize it is landlocked and the only two important rivers on it, Zambezi and Limpopo are on the edges of the country. And the big lake on the country is man-made from a hydro-electric power dam!
And that he gave to the guy who they are supposed to be sharing power with. That my friends, qualifies him as mr-funny-guy 2008!
The one that takes the biscuit is the fact that he gave Morgan Tsvangirai the fisheroes ministry as his cabinet docket. It doesnt sound funny until you look at Zimbabwe and realize it is landlocked and the only two important rivers on it, Zambezi and Limpopo are on the edges of the country. And the big lake on the country is man-made from a hydro-electric power dam!
And that he gave to the guy who they are supposed to be sharing power with. That my friends, qualifies him as mr-funny-guy 2008!
Monday, February 8, 2010
How to pass an interview
Now that interviewing panels have become like an interrogating squad, here a way of putting them in their place. Apply for a job for the fun of it and answer the questions as follows!
Whats your name?
Hey, am the guest. You first
Where did you go to school?
Am not particularly good with directions but am sure its south of here!
Which is the last place in the world you would want to be right now?
In your seat sir!
Your resume says here that you have vast experience in this specific position. Care to elaborate?
Well if my resume SAYS that much, am sure you can SQUEEZE a little more of that information from it.
Describe yourself in five words?
Aha! Well...! Ummmh! Ummmh! Ummmh!
What new thing do you think you will bring into this company?
(First look at the floor) A new carpet, (face up) and a new interviewing panel.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Dude! Am not that tall.
What qualities will you be bringing on board?
The highest qualities!
Are you sure you want this job?
Is that a trick question?
Whats your religion?
The law allows people to own a religion? Am buying Islam!
Assuming we give you this job right now, who would you prefer to be the first person to know about it?
Me of course!
How much pay do you expect to be paid?
Double yours. Considering you do something this silly all day!
What is your passion in life?
Life? .... Ending it.
Who would you say is your role model?
The twelveth disciple...
Who is called....
You mean you dont too? That makes two of us!
Assuming your elementary teacher has never seen you since you left elementary school, What do you think she would say if she saw you right now?
Considering she was really mean and she is dead, am sure it would be 'welcome to hell you little brat!'
Given the chance, what one question you would ask this panel?
When do I start?
CAUTION: I will not be responsible for any damages you may (and most probably will) incur during the interview!!!
Whats your name?
Hey, am the guest. You first
Where did you go to school?
Am not particularly good with directions but am sure its south of here!
Which is the last place in the world you would want to be right now?
In your seat sir!
Your resume says here that you have vast experience in this specific position. Care to elaborate?
Well if my resume SAYS that much, am sure you can SQUEEZE a little more of that information from it.
Describe yourself in five words?
Aha! Well...! Ummmh! Ummmh! Ummmh!
What new thing do you think you will bring into this company?
(First look at the floor) A new carpet, (face up) and a new interviewing panel.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Dude! Am not that tall.
What qualities will you be bringing on board?
The highest qualities!
Are you sure you want this job?
Is that a trick question?
Whats your religion?
The law allows people to own a religion? Am buying Islam!
Assuming we give you this job right now, who would you prefer to be the first person to know about it?
Me of course!
How much pay do you expect to be paid?
Double yours. Considering you do something this silly all day!
What is your passion in life?
Life? .... Ending it.
Who would you say is your role model?
The twelveth disciple...
Who is called....
You mean you dont too? That makes two of us!
Assuming your elementary teacher has never seen you since you left elementary school, What do you think she would say if she saw you right now?
Considering she was really mean and she is dead, am sure it would be 'welcome to hell you little brat!'
Given the chance, what one question you would ask this panel?
When do I start?
CAUTION: I will not be responsible for any damages you may (and most probably will) incur during the interview!!!
A father's 10 rules for dating a daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
It's great to be a guy because ...
Our last name stays put.
The garage is all ours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
We can be President.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
We don't give a darn if someone doesn't notice our new haircut.
We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work ... more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
People never glance at our chest when we're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
Our pals can be trusted never to trap us with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
We know stuff about tanks and airplanes.
The remote is all ours.
We don't have to pretend we're "freshening up" to use the bathroom.
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight.
When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
None of our co-workers have the power to make us cry.
Flowers and duct tape - and we can fix everything.
We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
We can open all our own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob us blind.
We can go to a public toilet without a support group.
We can leave the motel bed unmade.
We can kill our own food.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Our underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If we're 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on our face stays its original color.
We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
We don't have to clean our apartment if the meter reader is coming.
We don't mooch off someone else's dessert.
We don't have to shave below our neck.
We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.
We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
Our belly usually hides our big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
We can "do" our nails with a pocket knife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The garage is all ours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
We can be President.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
We don't give a darn if someone doesn't notice our new haircut.
We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work ... more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
People never glance at our chest when we're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
Our pals can be trusted never to trap us with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
We know stuff about tanks and airplanes.
The remote is all ours.
We don't have to pretend we're "freshening up" to use the bathroom.
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight.
When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
None of our co-workers have the power to make us cry.
Flowers and duct tape - and we can fix everything.
We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
We can open all our own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob us blind.
We can go to a public toilet without a support group.
We can leave the motel bed unmade.
We can kill our own food.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Our underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If we're 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on our face stays its original color.
We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
We don't have to clean our apartment if the meter reader is coming.
We don't mooch off someone else's dessert.
We don't have to shave below our neck.
We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends.
We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
Our belly usually hides our big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
We can "do" our nails with a pocket knife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Shitty Situations
A guy is waiting for his turn in the loo since you are inside. Then you realize after doing a serious load that the toilet cant flush!
You fart coz you are alone in the house and then someone knocks at the door.
You get into a matatu and cant find your wallet. Finally you remember exactly where it is, which is nowhere near the matatu.
You go out with classy people and to show your prowess, you order something you have no freaking idea what it is simply coz you saw the word chicken. You then realize there is very little of chicken and alot of disgusting stuff.
A girl/guy wants to kiss you and you go on panic mode. The person is fly yes. Its your mouth you arent sure of.
For guys, you decide to pee in a bush coz no one is coming on bith sides. On unleashing your Kiogothe, the girl of your dreams appears from the other side.
For girls, you see some guys staring and you decide to swing your booty. But as Karma would have it, you trip and fall on that booty!
You go to a hotel and hold mandazi with a serviette. On you first bite, you accidentally bite off a substancial amount of the serviette.
You sneeze in public and out comes the product we all love to hate. Its normal to sneeze anyway so you dont panic. You reach into your pocket for a handkerchief and all your senses say PANIC. You dont have a handkerchief.
You are going for an nterview and in the lift, you puch some old mzee since he is so clumsy and you in such a hurry. You get to the interview room later and find him sitted there.
Have a lovely week now, wont you?
You fart coz you are alone in the house and then someone knocks at the door.
You get into a matatu and cant find your wallet. Finally you remember exactly where it is, which is nowhere near the matatu.
You go out with classy people and to show your prowess, you order something you have no freaking idea what it is simply coz you saw the word chicken. You then realize there is very little of chicken and alot of disgusting stuff.
A girl/guy wants to kiss you and you go on panic mode. The person is fly yes. Its your mouth you arent sure of.
For guys, you decide to pee in a bush coz no one is coming on bith sides. On unleashing your Kiogothe, the girl of your dreams appears from the other side.
For girls, you see some guys staring and you decide to swing your booty. But as Karma would have it, you trip and fall on that booty!
You go to a hotel and hold mandazi with a serviette. On you first bite, you accidentally bite off a substancial amount of the serviette.
You sneeze in public and out comes the product we all love to hate. Its normal to sneeze anyway so you dont panic. You reach into your pocket for a handkerchief and all your senses say PANIC. You dont have a handkerchief.
You are going for an nterview and in the lift, you puch some old mzee since he is so clumsy and you in such a hurry. You get to the interview room later and find him sitted there.
Have a lovely week now, wont you?
The New Ministries
Now that we hear they have expanded the cabinet to forty ministries, I suggest they merge some and we can have a leaner cabinet. Sample this....
We can merge the ministry of Agriculture and transport and have THE MINISTRY OF FAST FOOD!
Ministry of Energy and ministry of gender can be merged and we can get MINISTRY OF SEXUAL ENERGY!
Ministry of education and ministry of livestock can be merged and we will have MINISTRY OF EDUCATED LIVESTOCK! Calling a foolish person Ng'ombe will become an instant crime.
Ministry of roads can be merged with ministry for justice and constitutional affairs and have MINISTRY OF LEGAL POTHOLES.
Ministry of sports and ministry of defence can be combined and no one will ever score a goal against our embattled Harambee stars due to the defence they will put in place. This can be called MINISTRY OF SOLID GOALKEEPING AND DEFENSIVE FOOTBALL!
Ministry of health can be combined with ministry of home affairs and we will have MINISTRY OF HEALTHY CONVICTS!
Ministry of labour, Ministry of gender and Ministry of commerce & Industry can be combined and we can have MINISTRY OF INDUSTRIOUS COMMERCIAL SEX WORKERS.
Also Ministry of internal defence and ministry of wildlife (forget the tourism) can be combined and once lions join the police force, you can bet no one will try anything fishy. The MINISTRY OF DEFENSIVE WILDLIFE will make sure no one throws stones in Kibera!
Ministry of Finance and Ministry of fisheries and wetlands can be merged and we will OFFICIALLY have Ministry of DANGEROUSLY RICH SHARKS! (read politicians)
Ministry of Science and technology can be merged with ministry of public works to get MINISTRY OF PROF. SAITOTI IMITATING KIRINYAGA CONSTRUCTION!
Ministry of land and settlement and ministry of foreign affairs can merge and finally Osama, Mugabe and Koffi Annan can own a piece of land here under orders from MINISTRY OF SETTLING FOREIGNERS!
Ministry of immigration and Ministry of tourism can be combined and we can stop the wildebeest from going to Tanzania every now and then without a visa. The ministry will be MINISTRY OF IMMIGRATION IN CHARGE OF WILDEBEEST TOURISTS.
Ministry of state in the office of the president can be merged with Ministry of communication to form MINISTRY OF STATING LIES IN GOVERNMENT DIRECTLY FROM THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. Mutua Alfie can be the minister.
Ministry of Communication and Ministry of Home affairs can merge into MINISTRY OF EFFECTIVE MARITAL DIALOGUES after which a remarkable improvement will be noticed in homes.
Ministry of East African cooperation and ministry of local governement should be merged and we can finally rule the whole of East Africa. Why? It will be MINISTRY OF GOVERNING EAST AFRICA LOCALLY.
Alternatively Ministry of internal security can be combined with ministry of gender and we can all forget sex!
We can merge the ministry of Agriculture and transport and have THE MINISTRY OF FAST FOOD!
Ministry of Energy and ministry of gender can be merged and we can get MINISTRY OF SEXUAL ENERGY!
Ministry of education and ministry of livestock can be merged and we will have MINISTRY OF EDUCATED LIVESTOCK! Calling a foolish person Ng'ombe will become an instant crime.
Ministry of roads can be merged with ministry for justice and constitutional affairs and have MINISTRY OF LEGAL POTHOLES.
Ministry of sports and ministry of defence can be combined and no one will ever score a goal against our embattled Harambee stars due to the defence they will put in place. This can be called MINISTRY OF SOLID GOALKEEPING AND DEFENSIVE FOOTBALL!
Ministry of health can be combined with ministry of home affairs and we will have MINISTRY OF HEALTHY CONVICTS!
Ministry of labour, Ministry of gender and Ministry of commerce & Industry can be combined and we can have MINISTRY OF INDUSTRIOUS COMMERCIAL SEX WORKERS.
Also Ministry of internal defence and ministry of wildlife (forget the tourism) can be combined and once lions join the police force, you can bet no one will try anything fishy. The MINISTRY OF DEFENSIVE WILDLIFE will make sure no one throws stones in Kibera!
Ministry of Finance and Ministry of fisheries and wetlands can be merged and we will OFFICIALLY have Ministry of DANGEROUSLY RICH SHARKS! (read politicians)
Ministry of Science and technology can be merged with ministry of public works to get MINISTRY OF PROF. SAITOTI IMITATING KIRINYAGA CONSTRUCTION!
Ministry of land and settlement and ministry of foreign affairs can merge and finally Osama, Mugabe and Koffi Annan can own a piece of land here under orders from MINISTRY OF SETTLING FOREIGNERS!
Ministry of immigration and Ministry of tourism can be combined and we can stop the wildebeest from going to Tanzania every now and then without a visa. The ministry will be MINISTRY OF IMMIGRATION IN CHARGE OF WILDEBEEST TOURISTS.
Ministry of state in the office of the president can be merged with Ministry of communication to form MINISTRY OF STATING LIES IN GOVERNMENT DIRECTLY FROM THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. Mutua Alfie can be the minister.
Ministry of Communication and Ministry of Home affairs can merge into MINISTRY OF EFFECTIVE MARITAL DIALOGUES after which a remarkable improvement will be noticed in homes.
Ministry of East African cooperation and ministry of local governement should be merged and we can finally rule the whole of East Africa. Why? It will be MINISTRY OF GOVERNING EAST AFRICA LOCALLY.
Alternatively Ministry of internal security can be combined with ministry of gender and we can all forget sex!
Honest Marriage Vows
We are gathered here in the presence of God and men to join these people in holy matrimony. We know they have been sleeping together in secret but now that can do it with the knowledge of everyone.
And as marriage is holy, at least in theory, I put it forth that if there is anyone in this gathering who has a valid reason why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone ..... Is there anyone .....? C'mon, he must have slept with some of you? Someone.... ? Anyone .... ? I know someone here has slept with her too? Well, I guess they were all one night stands.
Moving on swiftly. Mr Groom, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded bride, to love to cherish and to hold, to listen to her whinning halfway through the night, always suck up to his father, to always lose an argument or else..., to listen to unending lies about her having a headache when you really need to release steam, put up with PMS... sometime faked... till death do you part?
(I do?.....)
Very well. And do you Miss Bride, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love to cherish and to hold. To cook for, clean up after, give up watching soaps and anything interesting when there is football, find the toilet seat up everytime, Clean pee of it, take care fo kids alone, house his in laws, cook tea for his friends during any important game for all the days of your life?
(I do? .... )
Well then, I pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined, let no man, neighbour, handsome workmate, barmaid, beer brand, ex's, in-laws, milkman, shamba-boy, driver or sexy secretary put asunder. You may kiss the bride...
Now THAT i call honesty!
And as marriage is holy, at least in theory, I put it forth that if there is anyone in this gathering who has a valid reason why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone ..... Is there anyone .....? C'mon, he must have slept with some of you? Someone.... ? Anyone .... ? I know someone here has slept with her too? Well, I guess they were all one night stands.
Moving on swiftly. Mr Groom, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded bride, to love to cherish and to hold, to listen to her whinning halfway through the night, always suck up to his father, to always lose an argument or else..., to listen to unending lies about her having a headache when you really need to release steam, put up with PMS... sometime faked... till death do you part?
(I do?.....)
Very well. And do you Miss Bride, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love to cherish and to hold. To cook for, clean up after, give up watching soaps and anything interesting when there is football, find the toilet seat up everytime, Clean pee of it, take care fo kids alone, house his in laws, cook tea for his friends during any important game for all the days of your life?
(I do? .... )
Well then, I pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined, let no man, neighbour, handsome workmate, barmaid, beer brand, ex's, in-laws, milkman, shamba-boy, driver or sexy secretary put asunder. You may kiss the bride...
Now THAT i call honesty!
Q & A:: Jokes Archives
Q. what happened when a brunette told a blonde to kiss her ass ?
A. she bent down and did it!!!!!!!
Q.did you ever hear of the man whose left side got cut of?
A.he's all right now
Q. Why did the Football Coach go to the bank?
A, Because he had to get his Quarterback
Q. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A. Because the go deep into the bush, they shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
Q. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
A. She always ran away from the ball.
Q: Why does the third month always get tired
A: Because it is always marching!
Q: What did the mayonnaise say when the boy opened the refrigerator door?
A: I'm dressing!!!!
when you were little you were so ugly that your momma had to feed you with a sling shot
Egocentric: A person who believes he is everything you know you are.
A. she bent down and did it!!!!!!!
Q.did you ever hear of the man whose left side got cut of?
A.he's all right now
Q. Why did the Football Coach go to the bank?
A, Because he had to get his Quarterback
Q. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A. Because the go deep into the bush, they shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
Q. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
A. She always ran away from the ball.
Q: Why does the third month always get tired
A: Because it is always marching!
Q: What did the mayonnaise say when the boy opened the refrigerator door?
A: I'm dressing!!!!
when you were little you were so ugly that your momma had to feed you with a sling shot
Egocentric: A person who believes he is everything you know you are.
How to die in a lift, guaranteed!
How to freak people out or get your teeth knocked out in a Kenyan lift.
1) If the lift arrives at the ground floor, step aside to let ladies get in but immediatly they start getting inside, click and mumble something incoherent.
2) If your phone rings inside the lift, let it ring all the way to the chorus then pick and say, "My apologies. I was on another phonecall."
3) If it stops on some floor and you see a crowd of people outside, stand by the lift door and say, "Wawili Kangemi, Wa haraka wa haraka!"
4) When the lift stops, say a loud DING! and when a person is about to get out say a big VROOM!
5) Pick up your phone, then dial a number, wait for a few seconds then say, "... No am in the lift actually. The one that killed a guy last year!"
6) If you are going down, and the lift stops on more than two floors, wait for it to stop again and after people get in, say "Hii lift mekuwa city hoppa. Disgusting! Inabeba just about everyone!"
7) Cough a number of times. Then stop. Then cough again, louder this time. Then pick out your phone, dial a number then say, "Pamela, tell everyone I'll not come in today. My TB just got worse!"
8) Fart loudly and then say while holding your nostrils, "Wacheni tabia mbaya! Si nyinyi ni watu wazima!"
9) If you are chatting with a friend, insist on demonstrating every part of the conversation with real actions, including the fighting!
10) When the lift is moving, pretend to be the most serious guy, then Whenever the lift doors open, straighten up, stand at attention and start singing the national anthem loudly!
11) Take out a cigarette and with the most innocent look on your face, ask the lady nearest to you for a light.
12) Last but not lest, get in with a briefcase and when the doors shut, start jumping up and saying, "...in the name of Allah, DEATH TO THE INFIDELS." Then throw the briefcase up and sleep flat on the lift's floor. EVERYONE WILL FOLLOW SUIT! Then when it doesnt go off, they will beat you to a pulp!
1) If the lift arrives at the ground floor, step aside to let ladies get in but immediatly they start getting inside, click and mumble something incoherent.
2) If your phone rings inside the lift, let it ring all the way to the chorus then pick and say, "My apologies. I was on another phonecall."
3) If it stops on some floor and you see a crowd of people outside, stand by the lift door and say, "Wawili Kangemi, Wa haraka wa haraka!"
4) When the lift stops, say a loud DING! and when a person is about to get out say a big VROOM!
5) Pick up your phone, then dial a number, wait for a few seconds then say, "... No am in the lift actually. The one that killed a guy last year!"
6) If you are going down, and the lift stops on more than two floors, wait for it to stop again and after people get in, say "Hii lift mekuwa city hoppa. Disgusting! Inabeba just about everyone!"
7) Cough a number of times. Then stop. Then cough again, louder this time. Then pick out your phone, dial a number then say, "Pamela, tell everyone I'll not come in today. My TB just got worse!"
8) Fart loudly and then say while holding your nostrils, "Wacheni tabia mbaya! Si nyinyi ni watu wazima!"
9) If you are chatting with a friend, insist on demonstrating every part of the conversation with real actions, including the fighting!
10) When the lift is moving, pretend to be the most serious guy, then Whenever the lift doors open, straighten up, stand at attention and start singing the national anthem loudly!
11) Take out a cigarette and with the most innocent look on your face, ask the lady nearest to you for a light.
12) Last but not lest, get in with a briefcase and when the doors shut, start jumping up and saying, "...in the name of Allah, DEATH TO THE INFIDELS." Then throw the briefcase up and sleep flat on the lift's floor. EVERYONE WILL FOLLOW SUIT! Then when it doesnt go off, they will beat you to a pulp!
Monday, January 11, 2010
SATISFACTION
"How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time"
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, deliver, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, hug, purr, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, entertain, charm, lug drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, deliver, implore, shower, shave, trust, grovel, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter up, hear, listen, understand, respect, entertain, loco mote, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, calm, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, anglicize, murmur, snoozle, snurfle, snuggle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, deliver, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin', deliver, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, fondle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship,
and then go back,
and do it again.
"How To Satisfy A Man Every Time"
1. Show up
2. Naked
3. Bring beer
{beer is optional}
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, deliver, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, hug, purr, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, entertain, charm, lug drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, deliver, implore, shower, shave, trust, grovel, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter up, hear, listen, understand, respect, entertain, loco mote, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, calm, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, anglicize, murmur, snoozle, snurfle, snuggle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, deliver, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin', deliver, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, fondle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship,
and then go back,
and do it again.
"How To Satisfy A Man Every Time"
1. Show up
2. Naked
3. Bring beer
{beer is optional}
MARKETING
Marketing
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's the Governor of California.
You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America.
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's the Governor of California.
You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America.
SATIRE AT ITS BEST
v You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
v Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
v Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
v Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
v If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
v This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
v I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
v When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
v A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
v Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
v Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
v Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
v Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
v Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
v Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
v He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
v I bet you get bullied a lot.
v I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
v I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
v I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
v I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
v I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
v I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
v I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
v I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
v I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
v I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
v If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
v I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
v I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
v I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
v Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
v People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
v She's the first in her family born without tail.
v That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
v There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
v What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
v Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
v What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
v You are not even beneath my contempt.
v You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
v You grow on people, but so does cancer.
v You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
v You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
v You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
v Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
v You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
v And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
v Do I look like a fucking people person?
v This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
v I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
v I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
v Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
v If I throw a stick will you leave??
v YOU!.... Off my planet!
v If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
v Does your train of thought have a caboose?
v The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
v Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
v Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
v Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
v A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
v Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
v Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
v See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
v Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
v I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
v I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
v Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
v Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
v It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!
v A woman's favorite position is CEO
v I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
v A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
v Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
v I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
v Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
v Too many freaks not enough circuses.
v Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
v Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
v Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
v I plead contemporary insanity.
v And which dwarf are you?
v How do I set the laser printer to stun?
v Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
v Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
v Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
v If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
v This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
v I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
v When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
v A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
v Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
v Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
v Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
v Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
v Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
v Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
v He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
v I bet you get bullied a lot.
v I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
v I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
v I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
v I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
v I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
v I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
v I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
v I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
v I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
v I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
v If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
v I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
v I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
v I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
v Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
v People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
v She's the first in her family born without tail.
v That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
v There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
v What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
v Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
v What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
v You are not even beneath my contempt.
v You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
v You grow on people, but so does cancer.
v You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
v You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
v You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
v Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
v You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
v And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
v Do I look like a fucking people person?
v This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
v I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
v I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
v Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
v If I throw a stick will you leave??
v YOU!.... Off my planet!
v If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
v Does your train of thought have a caboose?
v The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
v Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
v Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
v Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
v A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
v Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
v Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
v See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
v Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
v I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
v I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
v Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
v Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
v It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!
v A woman's favorite position is CEO
v I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
v A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
v Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
v I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
v Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
v Too many freaks not enough circuses.
v Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
v Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
v Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
v I plead contemporary insanity.
v And which dwarf are you?
v How do I set the laser printer to stun?
KINYOZI STIMA!!!!!!!
How Long Until a Cut?
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
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