SATIRE AT ITS BEST

v You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
v Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
v Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
v Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
v If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
v This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
v I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
v When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
v A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
v Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
v Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
v Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
v Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
v Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
v Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
v He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
v I bet you get bullied a lot.
v I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
v I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
v I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
v I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
v I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
v I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
v I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
v I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
v I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
v I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
v If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
v I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
v I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
v I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
v Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
v People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
v She's the first in her family born without tail.
v That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
v There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
v What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
v Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
v What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
v You are not even beneath my contempt.
v You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
v You grow on people, but so does cancer.
v You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
v You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
v You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
v Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
v You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
v And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
v Do I look like a fucking people person?
v This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
v I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
v I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
v Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
v If I throw a stick will you leave??
v YOU!.... Off my planet!
v If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
v Does your train of thought have a caboose?
v The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
v Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
v Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
v Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
v A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
v Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
v Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
v See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
v Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
v I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
v I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
v Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
v Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
v It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!
v A woman's favorite position is CEO
v I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
v A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
v Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
v I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
v Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
v Too many freaks not enough circuses.
v Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
v Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
v Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
v I plead contemporary insanity.
v And which dwarf are you?
v How do I set the laser printer to stun?