Monday, January 11, 2010

SATISFACTION

"How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time"
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, deliver, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, hug, purr, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, entertain, charm, lug drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, deliver, implore, shower, shave, trust, grovel, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter up, hear, listen, understand, respect, entertain, loco mote, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, calm, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, anglicize, murmur, snoozle, snurfle, snuggle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, deliver, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin', deliver, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, fondle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship,

and then go back,

and do it again.

"How To Satisfy A Man Every Time"

1. Show up
2. Naked
3. Bring beer
{beer is optional}

MARKETING

Marketing

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.



However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."



You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Direct Marketing.



You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."



That's Advertising.



You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Telemarketing.



You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Public Relations.



You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."



That's Brand Recognition.



You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.



That's a Sales Rep.



Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.



That's Tech Support.



You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing., so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"



That's Junk Mail.



You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.



That's the Governor of California.



You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.



That's America.

SATIRE AT ITS BEST

v You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
v Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
v Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
v Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
v If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
v This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
v I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
v When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
v A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
v Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
v Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
v Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
v Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
v Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
v Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
v He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
v I bet you get bullied a lot.
v I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
v I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
v I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
v I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
v I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
v I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
v I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
v I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
v I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
v I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
v If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
v I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
v I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
v I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
v Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
v People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
v She's the first in her family born without tail.
v That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
v There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
v What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
v Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
v What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
v You are not even beneath my contempt.
v You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
v You grow on people, but so does cancer.
v You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.
v You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
v You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
v Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
v You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
v And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
v Do I look like a fucking people person?
v This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
v I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
v I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
v Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
v If I throw a stick will you leave??
v YOU!.... Off my planet!
v If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
v Does your train of thought have a caboose?
v The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
v Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
v Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
v Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
v A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
v Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
v Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
v See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
v Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
v I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
v I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
v Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
v Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
v It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!
v A woman's favorite position is CEO
v I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
v A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
v Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
v I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
v Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
v Too many freaks not enough circuses.
v Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
v Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
v Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
v I plead contemporary insanity.
v And which dwarf are you?
v How do I set the laser printer to stun?

KINYOZI STIMA!!!!!!!

How Long Until a Cut?
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."